WAY of the MALLU....

It’s basic mathematics. The Indian population seems to be on a constant rise and the ratio of mallus you knock elbows with on the road as compared to others, seems to remain a constant (or even higher). Considering the fact that the percentage of mallus remain the same (or even more) even while the absolute number of Indians is increasing, and the claim of 100% literacy, it all boils down to one logical possibility – Sex education is not part of the Indian “literacy” syllabus.. But wait, I digress.. It is not the number that amazes me, it is the wide distribution of the “mallu” clan.. Of course; if you want to find one, the most logical search locations would be every nook and corner of the 14 districts of the Mother-ship – Kerala, and its annexure the “GELLF”. It is ALSO quite obvious that given the abundant sources, a normal human being (non-mallu one) would be glad not to meet one when he’s ambling down the road miles away from the aforementioned locations. But the law of inevitability states that, “If you’re on earth and minding your own business you will inevitably pass a mallu”. Being one myself along with the added advantage of staying with most of the various kinds of mallus – northie mallu , NRI mallu, Konkani mallu – it is only basic courtesy that I provide a handbook for.. “THE WAY of the MALLUUU”..

Lesson 1

Identifying a mallu

1.Food: one word : COCONUTS….

2. One of the simplest ways of identification, is a unique clothe style called the “lungi” or its formal counterpart the “mundu”. In general both can be defined as : “Hanging piece of clothe starting from the waist - covers till legs when worn normally, but can be folded up at times of aggression, casual walks or for intended “cool” looks.” Differentiating a lungi from a mundu is just a matter of identifying the maximum number of colors mixed into a design that can only be found in some psychedelic Media Player Visualizations.. But wait! Its not as simple as it sounds. There is a specific way the lungi is tied in kerala.. See picture for future identification reference.

3.He’s not wearing a lungi, but you think he’s a mallu? Talk to him… A classic touch which mallus give to their pronunciation of words is a complete inability to stop breathing sound, even when the word has ended. The Result : Words with “sound tails” . You’ll hear a lots of fooduh, drinksuh, whatuh…

4.You think there’s no lungi and the word-brake system is flawless? Keep Talking! Just try to make sure he uses words with the proper “identification vowels”. Things you could look out for: Modification, pollution, parents - Watch out for the totally unintended “ohhh”s of realization and the “aah”s of retardness if you stop them at the right places in the middle of these words.

Another technique to identify a mallu is to get him to meet another one. Now here are some characteristic conversations you may hear.

2 MALLUS

Mallu1 : Hi. I’m from Kerala

Mallu2: Ohh. Evidenna (Where from? )

M1: Ohh…malayaleeya, le. Njan Cochin. Evidenna? (Oh..malayalee,uh? I’m from . Where you from?)

Its like peace wont settle into their mallu reunion unless they assure each other they are not neighbors* or long lost brothers!

*Neighbor(in mallu) : anyone within 20km from your home town.

Mallu with NRI Mallu

Mallu : I’m from Kerala

NRI Mallu : Oh. I’m a malayalee too.

Mallu : oh.nice. where from ?

NRI Mallu : Dubai (or Oman, muscat etc..)

And then there’s that awkward pause where Mallu waits for the NRI to realize his intentions of asking the question were as explained before, at the same time recalling which of his mother’s uncle’s son’s in-law’s friend works in the same place. As soon as NRI Mallu realizes his mistake and utters the name of the biggest city within 50 km of his actual place, the mallu bonding starts and the NRI prefix is lost into a happy reunion.

And to top it all, we have the irresistible urge to zoom in and congregate with anyone and anything that seems even remotely mallu!

And some Malluism :

1.No place, work or title shall be left unexplored

2.Every famous person worth something would have their roots, really deep down somewhere interacting with one mallu or the other

3.Mohanlallll. Mammoootyyyy

4.Where there is land, there is a malayalee and hence a Kerala restaurant.

Well no offense people.. I’m one typppickal mallu and totally out of ideas for now. Until the next time.

Tataa…..