Of Queues, Lifts and Dimwits

Running out of ideas always leads to the desperate effect of having to mix a few smaller ones. With the “Random Thoughts” series boring even me out, on a second read, I thought I’d account some view points on everyday matters that we talk about. Another topic to be handled was “Toilets, And what we do in them”. Well…not exactly a part of my daily conversation as they are of my daily activities but when it came up, I really did have some ideas of my own. But that’s a story for another day...

DISCLAIMER: Opinions listed below are sadly made from observation of Indians

From casual analysis and jobless statistics taken from across work, malls and any reasonable conglomeration of human beings which I have attended, there is good reason to believe that the act of having to wait in line for your turn is somehow a herculean task for them. There are a few possible scenarios where this impatience is highlighted and really gets on your nerves.

Scenario 1: The Normal Queue

Now here we all are.. Waiting in line for our turn to get a ticket, get some food etc. And in comes our protagonist. Now there are terms such as “like he owns the place”, “like it’s his father’s house” etc which can state in a clichéd manner the arrogance involved, but let’s go deep into that dimwitted skull of his. What would a person, who cuts in, actually be thinking?

JA: Ooohhh.. There’s a huge line of people standing. I wonder whats up?

*Notices a girl 100 meters away looking in the completely opposite direction

JA : She looks cute! Must play hard to get… I’m so smart..

*Reaches the end of line

JA : Wow! There are 23 people in front of me. If I walk ahead 8 spaces there will be 15 in front of me and 8 behind me. I wonder how many people will be there in the queue at that time.

*Moves ahead 8 spaces by just barging in

*Counts on fingers

JA : Now there are 24 people in the line.Dooooooddd awessssommmme! This is fun.. Should try again.

And with this retarded line of thought, which in his mind seems purely logical and quantitatively practical, the hero cuts across 23 stunned faces to discover its always 24. At this point he realizes he’s at the head and does not require any more mind numbing exercises to keep him busy and carries on with the task at hand.

(Adaptation is purely author’s imagination. Expectations have been kept at maximum)

Scenario 2 : The Double-Ended queue

Now sadly enough, there are times when the head of a queue cannot be specifically pointed out, especially if you are new around. These can get really irritating if, at some point of time, there are 10 people on one side and 2 on the other facing the initial group like someone called for a Wild West shootout! The reasoning capabilities of the duo would amaze you and I can’t even bare to imagine what goes through that head of theirs. You end up wondering whether the whole point of standing in the queue all this while was to be given the honor of coming face to face with these stunning minds. There they stand with a smug smile which could almost be interpreted as “Bwahahah… Noone else saw the shortcut. I am so sma…” *SLAP*. Totally worth it!

Scenario 3 : The Lift

Now the final group described here are the lift takers. These again can be split into 2 groups which sometimes overlap to create an unbelievably arrogant bunch of lift “goons”.

The first group consists of the ones coming in. You don’t need a phD to know that a lift is smaller than the waiting area and people who want to come out would definitely prefer to be out. Unless you happen to be really good looking and of the gender that interests them, rarely would they want to wait and watch how you enter before deciding to walk out themselves. But as fate may have it, this train of thought never passes their impatient minds and they just assume that anyone who wants out should have taken the floor above.

The second group makes up the Ronaldos of the lift. You know that pose he strikes before taking a free kick and also of the arrogance involved in it; well that’s exactly how they stand at the door of the lift.
Anyone who wants to go out will have to go “over their dead body” or will just have to wait for his floor. You could also try crawling past his legs but then you have to watch out for the entering goons.

The scenarios listed are definitely not an exhaustive list but they ARE some of the highlighted ones. Usual lines which you could use at such scenarios include : “Excuse me.”, “Please stand in the queue” or the typical Indian, “uhh..Halo mister??”.

And then there are the more complicated ones :

- “You think we are standing for fun?” (Cliched)

- *Handing cash to guy : “While you’re at it could you get mine too?”

Well there are lots I’m raring to try since I regretfully face a lot of them. So if you got any more, keep them coming.. J

By the way I never say I’ve not done the same (though I always try not to) but then again I already admitted to be a hypocrite. Bwahahah…

Shanker

Fanfare makes a fair fan???

So what exactly is it that gives people this all-so-famous fake feeling of ownership. To begin with I have to admit that I am not a hard core supporter of any team; in any sport. Unless there is India, an Indian or a fellow mallu (Indian again but with deeper traceable roots allowed) involved I wouldn’t exactly be able to pick a team. But extreme peer pressure and the need to have something to look forward to while tipping my drink, always makes me pick a side.

All games which don’t involve our country require me to go through a tedious process of elimination to choose a team to root for. Now for the record, this does NOT involve morsels of food placed in boxes within my reach. In the case of such a situation arising, the decision would be purely based on quantity, given that the quality is maintained the same.

Anyway…. I do not consider this “inability” a curse; (No! I am not referring to the morsel-craving; back to the game) I would rather say it’s a relief, since on the occasion of a defeat to the exalted winner- of the aforementioned nomination procedure - I can still go on leading a normal life without feeling the need to proclaim my ability to play better than the players who live by it. I am also lucky to be exempted from that feeling of ownership I was talking about, where I have to deal with the pressure of “My/Our team is playing today” , “We always come back from behind” or worse yet the decisions such as “I think we should play XYZ instead of PQP today”!!!

The enthusiasm shown by these kinds of “fans” (read multitalented personnel who can pitch in as player/coach/owner) can only be understood with the ultimate ability of imagination and spirituality, to the extent of nirvana, which cuts you off from the real world. Their(senseless) belief that the team they support and they themselves merge into one, can only be compared to the Supreme Being concept of the fictional planet Gaia of Foundation Series*. The sadder thing though is the non-existent timeline for these nerve creeping fans. Not even the players would bother about that 32^nd minute mistake made 3 years ago. But our folks would hear nothing of it – a victory is an expected elation while a mistake is an anecdote for life! A conversation over coffee would be decorated with “My team…that day…”..”We should have scored”..Even the lower limit of the year of birth would not hinder their memories what with “WE” winning in 1912, 1956, 1987 and not to mention 2034. Obviously 2 of these would be a deadly disastrous combination – “We got you”, “You shouldn’t have done that to our player” and an occasionally entertaining throw of punches.

Though I complain, I have to admit the watch wouldn’t be a fun occasion if 70 odd people sat peacefully sipping their drinks, with as much interest as Sachin Tendulkar would have in proof reading this post! BUT...then again..”Get a life!”...Well all I can say for now is “Whatever keeps you happy”; as long as it is not in a normal being’s face.

I’ll tell you one thing though, WE won in 1975 and again in 1983 too.. (Go google) J

*FOUNDATION SERIES: A MUST READ for sci-fi lovers.

P.S: Why the heck does WORD check think I would prefer one or three dots instead of 2?..

Shanker